Words seem so limited in a time like this. Joe and I have been overwhelmed with your prayers for us. Thank you would not be enough. The Lord is so near to us. I have never felt His presence and comfort like I have through this. It is a beautiful manifestation of His Spirit who is carrying us in our weakness. It honestly is strange in the best way possible.
Friday we went to see the midwife for 4:30 at North Oaks. We were so excited to see our baby again to hear the precious and strong heart. It had been a little over a month since the last time. I was 18 weeks and 1 day. We went back and the nurse did the Doppler. She couldn't find anything and said the pregnancy test was faint but positive. She left the room. Fear and devastation over came me. Then the midwife came in comforted me by trying again. Nothing. We showed her the last ultra sound. The baby's heart was so strong and steady. How could this be, I internalized. She tried again since she saw the ultrasound and the baby looked so healthy then. Now we were up to three times where we had heard nothing. No sweet sound of our baby’s heart. She sent us to North Oaks Labor and delivery. Our appointment turned into a 6 hour event. Again, two more times were added to hearing no heartbeat. We were up to 5 now. Each time I wanted a sound of hope, just a beat. but nothing. Empty. Lifeless. Then we did ultrasounds, three actually, again with dopplers, so now 8 times. And 3 times visually seeing our precious little one not moving not kicking like before. All the other times the baby moved and nothing, no movement. The baby was just there. Not even a flicker of hope. The baby looked so different than last time. This was hard, so hard. This couldn't have been real. This had to be a awful dream.
It wasn't. We went home so hurt and confused but yet comforted at the same time. We tried to wrap our heads around this unexpected tragedy. Joe read 2 Samuel 12:16-23. I am so blessed to have Joe as my husband no one could lead me selflessly like Christ other than Christ himself. David's son was sick and he pleaded and fasted before the Lord for his life. Ultimately he died. What David does afterwards is remarkable. He gets up and worships the Lord. Regardless. He worships in the midst of such tragedy. That’s what we wanted. Regardless of the pain and hurt of losing our first child we want to worship the Lord who created our baby because ultimately He is good. We found so much comfort in vs. 23 "Can I bring him back again? I’ll go to him, but he will never return to me.” Through Jesus we will go to him. What a beautiful thing!
Saturday morning at 5 am was the most difficult day to wake up to. Nothing was as it should have been. Nothing. This should be happening in February, with a cute tummy, with a baby kicking and moving ready to meet us. I should have felt prepared for labor and delivery. I should have been at home so excited to pack a bag and bring our first born child home to all the things we had prepared for him. But it wasn't. It wasn't so. We woke up to something that was supposed to bring joy and life in the midst of the pain of labor and delivery. The ultimate motivation of meeting your child and seeing them interact with you and touch you and wrap their sweet little fingers around one of yours lacked. Completely. That just wouldn't be the case. There was no internal motivation to rid my body of something that I have cared so deeply about, have held so close to my heart. But it had to be done. We accepted it. Labor and delivery was painful but there was again, this overwhelming comfort and strength that only the Lord provided. He, in my weakness, enabled me to press through.
Our baby was born at 2:37 pm on September 20, 2014. A sweet, sweet little boy.
We were able to spend precious time with him that will always be a treasure in our hearts and a beautiful snapshot in our minds. If this was all we were able to spend with our baby, these past five months or so and labor and delivery were worth it.
He was worth it. Our little beloved, our David.
As we admired the work of the Lord we could not help but to worship, to worship Him for His creation. So intricately made was David. His little fingers and toes. His ears and eyes and nose. His little bitty arms and legs were so beautiful. He even had a sweet smile on his face. The Lord wrapped all three of us in his loving arms knowing the parents of David were hurting but felt His love and comfort. We prayed for a while just the two of us with our beloved David in our arms. This was worth it. He was worth it and we, like David in the bible, wanted to worship the Lord knowing that one day we will see our David again.
I will not say things have been easy, because they have not been. We have mourned the death of our son. And still are. But there is an unexplainable love, peace, and comfort from the Lord. He is manifesting His presence within us. It is so overwhelming in a good way. The other night I was praising God for His goodness, for the blessing of David. Praising Him that he never had to endure the hardship of this world. That David is in the arms of the Lord which are far greater than mine could ever be. That David is with his Father in heaven worshiping the Lord. There is no greater thing to do.
As I was thanking the Lord, I started to cry. I wanted to hold our beloved David. I wanted him there in my arms again. Both emotions so strong and real. Joe held me. We cried. We prayed. Then I asked Joe what do you think David is doing right now? We both said He is worshiping our Father in heaven. Philippians 3:10 I had put to memory the week before. I have meditated heavily on it this week. My goal is to know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His suffering, being conformed to His death. Jesus knows our suffering. He suffered.
Our Heavenly Father knows our pain, His Perfect Son died so that we would have fellowship with Him. Through Jesus, who understands our humanity and hurt, we have access to the throne room of the Lord of Lords. Oh how Joe and I have been standing in the outer courts being content with that. Not so anymore. Why would we stand in the outer courts when we can see the face of God and be in his presence! Jesus died so we can do that very thing. So what is David doing right now? He is in the presence of the Lord. He is looking at the face of our Lord. We can do the same thing. Of course there is a physical separation now but spiritually there doesn't have to be. We are able to fellowship with David by worshiping our Father. What beauty. What hope. What comfort there is in Him. I feel so close to both our beloved David and our Lord being in His presence. I never want to leave.
Things will continue to be hard for us, probably for a while. But that is okay because we have hope and we know the Lord and we have fellowship with Him in our suffering. At times, we are sad and need comfort or time to process and at times we just want to have fun and be silly. Both have joy and both have hope. Thank you so much for your love and prayers. We feel them all around us.