Today marks 25 weeks and 1 day since David. Life continues.
We look back at that day and remember all the things the Lord has brought us through with thankful hearts. I will say, the journey has been steep at times, and at others, a walk in the meadow with the sun beaming down wrapping me in warmth.
I'll take you back a bit. After David left us, I started to doubt the Lord's faithfulness in regards to blessing us with children again. To the point where I had put up such a wall around my heart to say I did not want little ones anymore. This was a complete defense. Instead of allowing myself to let in feelings of hope and love for a potential child, I became hardened to the idea. I would have rather felt emptiness instead of joy. This seemed easier in all honesty. This dream of mine, a growing family and being a loving parent with Joe, was quickly put into a box and sealed tightly with only One who could undo the barred lock.
And the One did.
On October 6th 2014, I started reading 1 Samuel. This was two weeks and 2 days since we held our little David. Chapter 1 and 2 were difficult to get through. The chapters display Hannah beautifully crying out to the Lord for a child, which He gives her, and then she gives him back to the Lord. I saw myself in Hannah. The difference though, I lacked such faith. My beliefs in the Lord blessing us in this particular way, were almost obsolete. I admired her fervent prayer and trust in the Lord to answer her, when I could not muster the faith to even believe He would ever want the same for us again. I could not even ask.
1 Samuel 2:21 says,
The Lord saw her great need and blessed her with three sons and two daughters.
I broke. I wept when I read this. Here is Hannah after bringing her son, Samuel, into the presence of the Lord, just as we had with David, and yet the Lord saw her need and blessed her! I fell to my knees asking the Lord to grow my faith.
Here I was feeling so small and empty, yet at the same time the stone wall that surrounded my heart, began to crumble. All I could say was, "Father, please, my faith in you is so small but I ask you would bless us with 3 sons and 2 daughters. I am struggling to believe you would desire that for us and desiring that myself . But I am just going to pray in my unbelief asking you to grow my faith, expecting you to grow my faith."
Weeks passed on the journey; there were good days and not so good days. The Lord was faithful. My faith was growing in regards to being open to having children again. I was able to listen to others dream for us in talking about our "future growing family," and in time the thoughts and desires came back to the point where I was able to say to Joe,
"When we have little ones, lets...."
On November 10th 2014, we discovered we were expecting once again, which was truly unexpected to our fearful yet hopeful hearts! Ten days later we had our first appointment. Last time we were in such a place we heard silence . This time was different. We heard the sweet beat of a precious heart of 7 weeks of life. Oh even when I was faithless the Lord was faithful!
As of today I am 23 weeks pregnant with this sweet little miracle moving all around. We hope to meet our little one face to face at the end of June or early July (EDD 7.5.15). He is faithful.